What Does Holding Yourself Accountable Really Mean?

When conflict arises or mistakes inevitably happen, there's often a tendency to focus on what the other person did wrong. But true connection requires looking inward and owning your part. Practicing accountability allows you to cultivate trust and deepen emotional intimacy with others.

That said, people often struggle with accountability if they have patterns of defensiveness or poor conflict resolution. At Boreal Therapy Collective, we frequently support adults and couples wishing to better navigate this delicate process.

Why Does Accountability Feel So Challenging?

The heart of being accountable means facing uncomfortable truths about yourself. Nobody is perfect, but it can be scary to acknowledge that you make mistakes and might unintentionally harm others with your actions.

Practicing self-accountability can trigger core feelings of shame. You may have internalized the message that messing up means you're unlovable or unworthy. You might believe that this will trigger people to hurt you or leave the relationship altogether. If that's the case, you might take great lengths to protect yourself, even if it's at the expense of denying or invalidating someone else's experience.

Accountability may also be challenging if you grew up in a family system where apologies were rare or vindictive. If it felt like you were raised by people always trying to prove themselves right, then you may have grown up perceiving accountability as a form of weakness.

Finally, when we feel attacked, the nervous system activates the fight-or-flight response system. Your body instinctively becomes prepared to respond to the threat. This can cause you to feel dysregulated, making it difficult to stay focused on repairing the wrongdoing.

How to Be More Accountable In Your Relationships

Learning how to take accept responsibility lays the groundwork for healthy relationships. The reality is that you will mess up from time to time. You're imperfect, just like everyone else, but choosing to stay accountable maintains a sense of vulnerability and connection with others. This fosters greater intimacy and safety, both of which are essential in all relationships.

Take in Feedback With Integrity

The next time you make a mistake that affects someone else, pause. Listen to what they have to say. Let your goal be understanding instead of defending. Try to imagine how the experience may have felt in their shoes.

This is where mindfulness and coping strategies rooted in emotional regulation can help. Your instinct might be to explain your reasons or justify your actions. But true external accountability asks you to put that aside and focus on the other person.

If you feel overwhelmed or afraid of rejection, try to ground yourself. Remind yourself that being offered feedback isn't the same as being disliked. It often means the opposite - the other person may value you enough that they want to practice transparency with you.

Focus on the Impact Instead of Your Intent

There's a good chance you have very good intentions in your relationships with others. You probably want to treat people well and support them as best you can.

But genuinely being accountable means focusing on how and what the other person received in a situation. For example, let's say that you showed up late to a friend's birthday dinner. You had a work meeting that ran longer than expected, and you hit more traffic than you planned for when driving to the restaurant. She says to you, "I get why you're late, but I felt a little hurt. You knew about this for months. You're often late to these events, and it sometimes bothers me."

At first, you might notice feelings of intense anger or defensiveness rising within you. You're busy! Work is important! You can't control the traffic! This has nothing to do with how you feel about your friendship! And while this all may be true, taking ownership means focusing on how your actions affected her. With that, an accountable statement sounds like, "You're right. I hear you. I'm really sorry that I was late. I can see that it upsets you. I care about you so much, and I will be more mindful of this in the future."

Remember that Actions Matter More Than Words

Real accountability means knowing that actions always carry more weight than words. People focus on what you do, not what you say, and they will always pick up on inconsistencies.

True commitment to accountability requires changed behaviour. For example, if your partner tells you they feel dismissed during arguments, making excuses only invalidates their experience and perpetuates more conflict. Real accountability might mean being more aware of your tone or giving them more space to speak. It might mean agreeing to go to couples therapy to work on communication.

Acknowledge Setbacks and Apologize

Changed behaviour is often easier said than done. We're all trying to build habits and reconcile our own emotional triggers. When you slip up, acknowledge the misstep. Apologize again if needed and recommit to doing better next time.

Accountability isn't about perfection. It's about deliberately choosing to show up with integrity and honesty, particularly when things get hard. If you’re a parent, modeling humility and acknowledging your mistakes teaches kids that it’s okay to be honest when making mistakes. It also conveys that you’re willing to take blame when needed.

Consider an Accountability Partner

Taking responsibility can feel easier when you don't have to manage it alone. Accountability partners can be friends, partners, or therapists. Ideally, this person balances offering compassion and grace while also pointing out patterns and reminding you of your values if defensiveness shows up. You should trust them enough to trust that they have your back and care about your efforts.

In couples therapy, partners learn how to become accountable to one another. They learn how to embrace personal development and communicate to cultivate a sense of mutual respect for one another.

Embracing Accountability and Strenghtening Your Relationships

Accountability is a skill, and it takes time to learn and practice it well. You won't always get it right, but making this commitment can lead to significant changes in your relationships and well-being. You'll feel more trustworthy to others and more humble in everyday life. You'll realize that it's okay to make mistakes and that you're not a failure if you mess up.

At Boreal Therapy Collective, we work with children, teens, adults, and couples seeking to deepen their self-awareness and show up more fully in their relationships. Whether you're working through conflict, communication struggles, or past trauma wounds, our therapists offer evidence-based care that can help you feel more empowered.

If you're ready to get started, please click here to book a consultation.