How to Stop Getting Into Power Struggles With Your Teenager

Raising teenagers isn't for the faint of heart, and many parents find themselves incredibly overwhelmed and frustrated as their young child enters puberty. Where did their baby go? Who is this moody and unrecognizable teenager?

This transition sometimes feels jarring, especially if you and your child had a loving, close relationship. The teen years are full of new transitions, and it's normal for parents to worry about everything from their child's mental health to their academic performance to peer pressure.

At Boreal Therapy Collective, we have therapists who have years of experience in supporting the mental health and wellness of teens and their families throughout Fort McMurray and Wood Buffalo. If everything feels like a power struggle lately, our team has some parenting tips that will help keep the peace.

Convey Your Empathy and Support

There’s no doubt that the teenage years are challenging. Your child is navigating so many new changes. While they might try to act like young adults, their brains are still underdeveloped, and they still have a lot to learn about how the world works.

Even if your child acts defiant, the home still needs to be a safe place. Autonomy is an essential part of adolescent development - your child is learning how to cultivate their own identity that's separate from the rest of their family.

So, try to remind yourself of how difficult this time can be. Try to put yourself in their shoes and listen to their perspective actively and openly. Likewise, try to resist assuming you know how your child feels. When in doubt, maintain a curious stance and ask what's going on.

Know Your Non-Negotiable Boundaries

Parenting teenagers requires prioritizing clear, consistent communication. This is one of the best ways to avoid power struggles. When your child knows how you will react every single time, they know they won't be able to get away with engaging in certain behaviours.

Having boundaries doesn't make you immune to a teenager protesting or trying to push buttons. In many ways, pushing limits is an essential part of a teen's life.

But your job is to just focus on staying consistent and reliable. That means you don't go back and forth on negotiating or focusing on small details. Your focus should be on trying to stay calm and reinforcing the limit by saying something simple like, “this is the rule.”

Consider the most important house rules you want to uphold in your boundaries. For example, you certainly don't want them drinking and driving. But, depending on your child, you need to consider which risky behaviours you want to mitigate. Some parents need to implement curfews or rules about using social media.

Pick the Rest of Your Battles Wisely

After deciding your firm limits, it's important to distinguish what you no longer need to control. Remember that your teenager needs freedom to express themselves, and you won't always agree with their choices.

Throughout the teenage years, you will learn that many family conflicts just aren't worth having. Even if it feels uncomfortable, it's best to let certain issues go.

Stay Respectful and Calm

Despite your child's mood swings or anger, it's important that you try to model having a relaxed, neutral attitude as much as possible. Parenting teens can certainly feel emotional, but you want to convey a sense of unconditional respect to your child.

Staying calm helps you feel more in control in a disagreement. In addition, nothing productive really gets done when everyone is heated. It can quickly spiral into a yelling match where you both say things you later regret.

Remember that you are the adult in this dynamic. It's your responsibility to show that you still love your child regardless of how they act.

Be Clear About Consequences

Despite your best efforts to remain calm, every parent loses their cool sometimes. But it's futile to make empty threats like “you're grounded for the rest of summer!” Unless that's a limit you truly intend to enforce, your teenager will know that you're just reacting to your own frustration.

The next time you feel upset, try to avoid making spontaneous punishments (unless you've already spoken about it ahead of time). Instead, consider pausing and letting your teen know you need to reflect on how you want to proceed. You can even consider collaborating to hear what they think their consequence should be.

Remember that natural consequences also have their place when it comes to parenting teenagers. A natural consequence is a natural result of a behaviour. A logical consequence, on the other hand, is a specific consequence a parent designates.

A child getting suspended at school for misbehaving is an example of a natural consequence. You grounding them for getting suspended is a logical consequence. Both types of discipline styles may be necessary, but it's helpful for your child to also learn how real life works.

The more you try to "shield" your child from pain (i.e. doing their homework for them instead of letting them get a bad grade), the more you risk enabling problematic behaviour. This can also reinforce cycles of learned helplessness, resentment, and family conflict.

Continue Praising and Validating Them

Even though raising teenagers is challenging, it's still so important to remember that your child needs your love and approval. Quality time matters, and you should aim to stay involved in your child's life as much as possible.

Despite their attitude, teens desperately want to feel heard and accepted. These years are full of physical changes and big emotions. They're still learning the nuts and bolts of healthy relationships.

You still play a valuable role in their lives. Parenting teens may, at times, feel selfless, but they're always watching, learning, and paying attention to what you do.

When to Seek Professional Support

You and your teenager won't always be on the same page. Teens tend to push limits and pull away from their families during adolescence. This is developmentally normal, and it isn't necessarily a cause for concern.

But if your child experiences low self-esteem, or if they're struggling with a serious mental health issue like self-harm, substance abuse, depression, or anxiety, it may be a sign they need more guidance. At Boreal Therapy Collective, we specialize in helping children, teens, and families overcome their challenges. Whether it be family therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy, or play-based therapy, we are confident in our ability to support teens and families throughout Fort McMurray and Wood Buffalo through in-person or virtual therapy.

Early intervention is key, and professional help can make an invaluable difference in building your child's confidence, social skills, and overall wellbeing.

If you’re ready to start therapy with us, you can book your initial assessment here.